The Paradox of Self-control
Are you attached to certain notions of self-control? Has it become a mechanical affair with you to go through the cycle of error, guilt and the resolve to improve yourself? Has such repeated activity led you to judge yourself in a limited and rigid fashion? Has it also caused some limitation in you with regard to accepting others as they are?
No one can deny that there has to be order in our living. Life ought not to be such that everyone just does whatever he/she wants to do. Freedom should not turn into an abuse of liberty. Also, we need to be sensitive to the feelings of fellow beings.
However, the intriguing aspect of self-control is that we dissipate our mental energy in the form of swinging from pride to shame, from feeling good to feeling guilty and from adoration (of another person) to anger (with him/her). Many a time, our understanding of the matter is shallow, and yet our reactions are emotionally strong. This leads to a lot of conflict within us and to interpersonal problems too.
As we take a mature look at this issue, we come closer to realities of life. Instead of fretting and fuming about the so-called moral lapses of our own or of others, we examine our conditionings and recognize the areas where undue or unrealistic importance was given to some behavioral practice. Seeing these zones of self-created causes of excitement or depression, we gain much objectivity and a balanced view of things. In such a sane outlook, the indiscipline in us fades away on its own.
Self-control is at its best when we change through proper understanding and not through fear of being judged as bad. There is a natural and spontaneous right doing where the desire for reward does not raise its head. Wanting to be considered as the right-doer, the role model for others etc. is indeed a vicious intruder in our true blossoming.
We do not arrive at order when we try to control. Order just happens when we gain insights into the disorder our conditioned thinking has created.
Spiritual seekers are fond of the topic of self-control as the human mind is heavily conditioned to think in terms of dos and don’ts (vidhi and nishedha). What we should do and what we should avoid are essential elements of the programming that our mind is subjected to. The specifics and the details vary from time to time in the same person’s life. Pride, shame, fear and guilt invariably follow our notions of righteous living along with the frustration at not being perfect.
A man sat for meditation thinking he would just sit and watch thoughts. He told himself, “I shall completely avoid any specific plan and watch thoughts as they arise.” Very soon he was choosing and rejecting, “I should not have these (bad) thoughts; I should pursue those (good) thoughts.” Concepts of good and bad bring the pressure of wanting and avoiding. Can we see thoughts without any judgment hijacking us?
No wonder the novice looks at even the highest wisdom as something that she ‘should’ gain. She is comfortable to think, “The Self may be ever-established (nitya-siddha); but I should remove the veil of ignorance and realize the Self.” For this achievement to happen, she is convinced that she needs proper self-control.
What is the ‘I’ that controls – in this matter of self-control? The ‘I’ certainly has identified areas where control is important and feels attracted to certain objects. Is not such an ‘I’ itself a conditioned or programmed entity? We need to understand this ‘I’ before conferring on it the captaincy in the matter of self-control. Is it not the typical case of the thief-turned-policeman?
Self-control has its shallowness of understanding; it creates its own duality. The very mature ones are not satisfied with its framework. This however does not mean that the deep thinkers okay licentiousness. They do not swing to the opposite extreme.
Not falling into the trap of any idealism or other conceptual limitations, we examine our living. We gently notice the judgmental activity that our mind indulges in.
Swami Chidananda
Monday, April 17, 2004